8 Ways to Become an Ally

You’ve probably heard the word “ally” in the media and there’s a lot of chatter about what it truly means. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, an ally is one that is associated with another as a helper: a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle. In my terms, an ally is:

• A member of a dominant group that works to dismantle oppression that they benefit from.
• Someone who takes responsibility for the changes we know need to happen in our society.
• Someone who makes privilege visible and works to empower those from targeted groups.

No matter the community that you’re looking to support, here are my top 8 tips for being an effective ally:

1Self Reflection. Anyone can be an ally but the journey to allyship will differ for everyone. Take the time to think about your own privilege and what groups you belong to. These are some questions to ask yourself:

• In what ways am I the same and different from members in targeted groups? How can I educate myself about different social identities and the experiences of identity groups that are targeted? What do I do with the knowledge I’ve acquired and how do I communicate it? Where are the boundaries of my comfort zone and what keeps me from venturing out of it to speak, advocate and act?

2 Sit back and listen. Give those that you are trying to support a platform to share their experiences.

3 Commit to being an ally. Saying that you’re an ally is not enough. If you really want to be present and support a group of people, make sure to remain active. You have to commit to the other steps at all times.

4 In fact, refrain from calling yourself an ally. Allyship is a commitment that needs to be renewed daily, perhaps even hourly. Just because someone once called you an ally doesn’t mean that’s a badge you can now wear proudly without staying committed. And, what feels like allyship to one member of a marginalized community may not feel like allyship to another. Don’t assume that you are who someone else needs you to be.

5 Educate yourself. If the burden is on people of color to educate white folks about racism, or on LGBTQ+ people to educate cis-het folks on the oppression they face, or on women, femmes and nonbinary folks to educate men about sexism, there will never be the equity we strive for. Use Google, follow educational pages on Facebook, listen to podcasts, and read on your own time. Nobody else should be responsible for educating you if you are saying you want to be an ally.

• For example, check out this anti-racist reading list from the New York Times.

6 Get comfortable not understanding, not being right, and not having answers. The reality about allyship is that it exists because there is deep-seated inequality in our society where some groups have historically and systematically been given more privilege, power, and voice than others. For that to be overturned, allies need to recognize they will never fully understand the experiences of those they are wanting to support, and they have to be comfortable taking a humble backseat, doing the grunt work, and giving the reins, voice, and power away. For example, there is no amount of education that will make a man understand what it’s like to be a woman in a patriarchal society — a feminist man’s only response to hearing women share about their experiences should be to say “I hear you, that’s wrong, I’m sorry you experienced that and I am recommitting myself to make these things right from here on out.”

• Pro tip: Never minimize, question, or try to explain when someone from a marginalized group shares with you about a difficult experience they’ve had. This will erode trust, make it clear that you’re not an ally, and reinforce your power over theirs.

7 Don’t lean on friends from marginalized groups to process emotions about your allyship journey. Sure, your journey, what you’re learning about yourself, your family, and your history, and the guilt you might begin to feel are real. And… asking a Black friend to comfort you as you face the truth about your ancestors’ slave ownership or even your own past racist behavior is unfair and unnecessary. If you hold power over someone else, don’t add to that imbalance by asking them to do the emotional work for you (e.g. comforting you, etc.)

8 Hold your loved ones accountable. This isn’t always possible, but claim responsibility for letting your loved ones know if they are showing their implicit or explicit bias. This doesn’t mean always reprimanding or teaching — it can mean just sharing the small lessons you’ve learned, explaining where you struggle and still need to grow, and talking about why this matters to you. Instead of playing the expert, treat your loved one as an equal and invite them on the journey with you.

What you’re probably learning is that there’s no perfect way to become an ally. But, once you’ve committed, begun learning, and started to work towards justice, the only way out is to keep moving forward. You can’t unlearn or unsee injustice. So, take heart, find folks who are on the same journey you are, continually reevaluate your motivations & intentions, give yourself grace, and keep fighting the good fight.